Near the bottom you hit on the key issue - sexual desire is intimately tied to feelings of appreciation & admiration. Not only do most women not want sex with a man they do not admire, most men are dissatisfied with duty sex also. Sex is most satisfying when it is a giant exclamation mark on existing positive feelings
This is true for unhealthy sex also: the woman who uses sex to feel wanted, the man who uses sex to feel powerful. Even porn use is not “just” physical; the user invokes some form of narrative that satisfies an emotional desire as well as a physical one
This does not apply to all stages of marriage since sexual desires can be derailed by life situations. In my own situation, I was out of commission for ten years due to an intractable medical problem (my story about this was just published on Amazon, called “The Outpatient”).
Right now I have zero libido due to zero testosterone because of treatment for prostate cancer. My wife and I love each other very much and are bonded as tightly as when we met 45 years ago.
Great article, and expresses some concepts that sadly are only very rarely understood. In the context of marriage, we are to live FOR each other. Our bodies are no longer our own, and this absolutely goes both ways.
I definitely think that there exists an obligation on both sides to fulfill each other's sexual needs. It's just that the man's desires tend to be higher necessitating more work on the woman. I don't think this is bad, it's just normal. If anything I argue it is good because it compels men to meet the needs of women to get what they want.
I do think people reacting badly to this are being ridiculous. Imagine if a man wanted to have a stay-at-home wife and demanded that she not get income from anywhere outside of himself. If he then was not be uncommitted to bringing home the bacon, he would be an immoral spouse. Society wouldn't make excuses for a lazy man who demanded that his wife get no income.
You cannot tell someone to drink water from only your fountain, then have the mentality that there is no obligation to provide water. If people don't like this, then they should not get married. I think this is willful neglect to ignore the bedroom; and divorce should be acceptable to everyone under such conditions.
I am in the middle of being with Jesus in Adoration, and because of ADHD my mind wandered to post scripture and a prayer as a Note, and WHAM! your article was in my feed. Twice. Because I made two trips. I took umbrage at your title, but I’m devouring and agreeing with your content.
I wanted to share some quality sex in marriage ministries to add to your list for future use and information: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum (also known as Hot, Holy, and Humorous; now Bare Marriage by Sheila Gregoire) and J Parker at Hot, Holy and Humorous. Both are Christian women advocating for marriage, married sex, and the best sex that married women and men can have. I used to subscribe to some male bloggers, but I don’t recall their names at the moment.
I look forward to finishing your very well written and very fine advocacy for marriage and married sex. I may have something else to say later. Rock on, sister - this old grandmother approves! Peace 🕊️
You should never view your husband or wife as a sexual object. You should never see them as something to just fulfil your sexual desires. You must always view your husband or wife as a person, as fully human. You should never lust after them.
Spouses should entertain each other's monogamous sexual fantasies, yes, but what if those monogamous sexual fantasies are unacceptable and degrading? Porn users don't usually stick to vanilla porn, and porn-influenced sexual desire may encompass practices that are not acceptable. I could entertain my husband's fantasy to dress up as Princess Peach fairly easy but certainly I won't let him pee on me or choke me until I pass out. He could lick my feet but surely he could not let me whip him until he bleeds. But porn users usually start vanilla and then get lost in any kind of paraphilias and degradation, especially if they are exposed early on and become problematic users.
Also, I know people who started getting aroused by younger and younger women, until they found themselves enjoying prepubescent girls only. What to do then? What can a wife do?
You mention losing weight, and it can surely be a factor for someone, but I can assure you that even though one may be very fit and lean, it's not possible to have a supermodel-like body with huge boobs and a perfect booty etc. It's simply not possible to keep up, especially if the man is not willing to put a huge effort in liking you and stopping porn use. And if you manage to become as small as a 12 year old, do you think it's healthy? .
The fact that you’re bringing up a 12 year old tells me you are not a serious person or asking in good faith. I know almost no husbands expecting their wives to weigh 100 lbs, which is what I have to assume is your premise for a woman being desired to “look childish.” Either ask a serious question in good faith or be quiet.
I am surprised you think my comment was in bad faith. Maybe you really think men watch regular vanilla porn and occasionally get ED because their wives are not putting any effort into being attractive, and maybe you're right for the majority of men. Even conceding you this, there is plenty of men whose porn abuse is not limited to videos of regular intercourse, especially those who started very early and evolved their sexual taste entirely online. I am not sharing any personal detail here but I just tell you I know this by my own experience.
So if your fiancee or husband regularly watches porn, and he regularly watches that kind of porn, you need to find a solution that's different from "try to give him what he sees online in his bedroom". I agree you should put an effort in being attractive towards him and I agree you should tend to his desires, as long as they keep being moral. You say ALMOST no one would want his wife to look emaciated or childish, and you are right, but the keyword here is "almost". What if your husband is the exception? Almost no men will get aroused in beating their wife or in peeing on her (I hope), but "almost no one" is not "no one". And porn consumption since a young age, plus society telling you that watching porn and masturbating obsessively 3x day is ok, may increase the likelihood to become interested in disturbing content. Big disclaimer: a man who is aroused by a childlike body and is not a terrible human being will not try in any way to make his partner look like that. He will simply find her more attractive (unwillingly) when she's underweight, and if she knows and she is to indulge to his sexual preferences, she's the one who will want to thin out. But this is absolutely NOT ok, and I think we agree on this. Similarly, a decent man who is into BDSM won't require you to be tied and choked, but he will still get aroused by the thought of it no matter what. And he could slip into the "bad habit" of getting this thrill online. Should you give the whip a chance to lure him out of porn consumption? I don't think so.
HE is the one who needs to understand the limits of what's right and what's wrong, and what is an innocent fantasy vs what is degrading and not respectful/full blown immoral. He has to understand that with porn consumption he has also to cut out unacceptable practices, even monogamous ones. And no amount of you being available, naked, fit, sexy etc in his bed will give him what porn does, if he is not the first to set boundaries with himself.
So yes, be available and try to be as attractive as possible etc, indulge to what is innocent and doesn't hurt you, AND expect him to be aware of what shouldn't be done and to get over it, and to still stay off screen regardless.
And correction, I know NO husbands who expect their wives to be that petite. I misspoke. Degenerate people will continue to struggle regardless of what I write online. I am not interested in writing to or for them.
Porn is so degrading. It is a plague on society. You shouldn't have to put up with that. We as a society but certainly as Christians need to not tolerate it.
I love this article, and deeply disagree. Intimacy is an important dimension of a spiritually close relationship but it is not necessary. Arguably a couple who aren’t sleeping together are like siblings, cousins or bosom friends but they are not mere room-mates. There is a closeness of emotion, acceptance of a duty of care and commitment that are wholly absent from relationships between couples who aren’t married.
I think people need to have a model for healthy sexuality inside marriage. Too many people get their ideas about sex from mainstream media or worse porn. One book that impressed me on the topic of a healthy sex life inside marriage was ‘When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage’ - Christopher and Rachel McCluskey
Porn is a substitute for a lack of sexual access to women, whether a man is single and lacking access or married.
This is so true. I've been married for 18 years and haven't had sex for 14 of them. When my wife found out she couldn't conceive, she stopped having or even wanting sex. That's led to a lack of intimacy.
How I see sexual morality as a Christian wife and mother is that wives are to be good stewards of their husbands’ sexuality. This requires that they present themselves in an attractive manner pleasing to their husbands. This can include maintaining a healthy weight, hair length and styling, hygiene practices, preferred scents, being available to husbands in the married bed.
Except when a good Christian wife doesn't do any of these things, which mine doesn't.
A husband is encouraged to service his wife sexually, which can include aesthetics, and a wife is encouraged to service her husband sexually, which can consist of aesthetics.
Believe me, I'm willing to please my wife in bed, it's that she doesn't want it at all.
A husband and wife would be roommates otherwise. True!
Near the bottom you hit on the key issue - sexual desire is intimately tied to feelings of appreciation & admiration. Not only do most women not want sex with a man they do not admire, most men are dissatisfied with duty sex also. Sex is most satisfying when it is a giant exclamation mark on existing positive feelings
This is true for unhealthy sex also: the woman who uses sex to feel wanted, the man who uses sex to feel powerful. Even porn use is not “just” physical; the user invokes some form of narrative that satisfies an emotional desire as well as a physical one
This does not apply to all stages of marriage since sexual desires can be derailed by life situations. In my own situation, I was out of commission for ten years due to an intractable medical problem (my story about this was just published on Amazon, called “The Outpatient”).
Right now I have zero libido due to zero testosterone because of treatment for prostate cancer. My wife and I love each other very much and are bonded as tightly as when we met 45 years ago.
That’s really amazing to hear. Thank you for sharing.
Great article, and expresses some concepts that sadly are only very rarely understood. In the context of marriage, we are to live FOR each other. Our bodies are no longer our own, and this absolutely goes both ways.
I definitely think that there exists an obligation on both sides to fulfill each other's sexual needs. It's just that the man's desires tend to be higher necessitating more work on the woman. I don't think this is bad, it's just normal. If anything I argue it is good because it compels men to meet the needs of women to get what they want.
I do think people reacting badly to this are being ridiculous. Imagine if a man wanted to have a stay-at-home wife and demanded that she not get income from anywhere outside of himself. If he then was not be uncommitted to bringing home the bacon, he would be an immoral spouse. Society wouldn't make excuses for a lazy man who demanded that his wife get no income.
You cannot tell someone to drink water from only your fountain, then have the mentality that there is no obligation to provide water. If people don't like this, then they should not get married. I think this is willful neglect to ignore the bedroom; and divorce should be acceptable to everyone under such conditions.
I am in the middle of being with Jesus in Adoration, and because of ADHD my mind wandered to post scripture and a prayer as a Note, and WHAM! your article was in my feed. Twice. Because I made two trips. I took umbrage at your title, but I’m devouring and agreeing with your content.
I wanted to share some quality sex in marriage ministries to add to your list for future use and information: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum (also known as Hot, Holy, and Humorous; now Bare Marriage by Sheila Gregoire) and J Parker at Hot, Holy and Humorous. Both are Christian women advocating for marriage, married sex, and the best sex that married women and men can have. I used to subscribe to some male bloggers, but I don’t recall their names at the moment.
I look forward to finishing your very well written and very fine advocacy for marriage and married sex. I may have something else to say later. Rock on, sister - this old grandmother approves! Peace 🕊️
Thank you for the kind words and recommendations Suzanne! 😊❤️
Well thought out and put! Subbed.
Thanks for this clarification article, Aly. This was informative and thought provoking, and I will be mulling over it.
Thank you! You can always ask clarifying questions in the comments section of any article and I will do my best to answer.
You should never view your husband or wife as a sexual object. You should never see them as something to just fulfil your sexual desires. You must always view your husband or wife as a person, as fully human. You should never lust after them.
Porn and prostitution are always wrong.
Spouses should entertain each other's monogamous sexual fantasies, yes, but what if those monogamous sexual fantasies are unacceptable and degrading? Porn users don't usually stick to vanilla porn, and porn-influenced sexual desire may encompass practices that are not acceptable. I could entertain my husband's fantasy to dress up as Princess Peach fairly easy but certainly I won't let him pee on me or choke me until I pass out. He could lick my feet but surely he could not let me whip him until he bleeds. But porn users usually start vanilla and then get lost in any kind of paraphilias and degradation, especially if they are exposed early on and become problematic users.
Also, I know people who started getting aroused by younger and younger women, until they found themselves enjoying prepubescent girls only. What to do then? What can a wife do?
You mention losing weight, and it can surely be a factor for someone, but I can assure you that even though one may be very fit and lean, it's not possible to have a supermodel-like body with huge boobs and a perfect booty etc. It's simply not possible to keep up, especially if the man is not willing to put a huge effort in liking you and stopping porn use. And if you manage to become as small as a 12 year old, do you think it's healthy? .
The fact that you’re bringing up a 12 year old tells me you are not a serious person or asking in good faith. I know almost no husbands expecting their wives to weigh 100 lbs, which is what I have to assume is your premise for a woman being desired to “look childish.” Either ask a serious question in good faith or be quiet.
Also why do you know pedophiles?
I am surprised you think my comment was in bad faith. Maybe you really think men watch regular vanilla porn and occasionally get ED because their wives are not putting any effort into being attractive, and maybe you're right for the majority of men. Even conceding you this, there is plenty of men whose porn abuse is not limited to videos of regular intercourse, especially those who started very early and evolved their sexual taste entirely online. I am not sharing any personal detail here but I just tell you I know this by my own experience.
So if your fiancee or husband regularly watches porn, and he regularly watches that kind of porn, you need to find a solution that's different from "try to give him what he sees online in his bedroom". I agree you should put an effort in being attractive towards him and I agree you should tend to his desires, as long as they keep being moral. You say ALMOST no one would want his wife to look emaciated or childish, and you are right, but the keyword here is "almost". What if your husband is the exception? Almost no men will get aroused in beating their wife or in peeing on her (I hope), but "almost no one" is not "no one". And porn consumption since a young age, plus society telling you that watching porn and masturbating obsessively 3x day is ok, may increase the likelihood to become interested in disturbing content. Big disclaimer: a man who is aroused by a childlike body and is not a terrible human being will not try in any way to make his partner look like that. He will simply find her more attractive (unwillingly) when she's underweight, and if she knows and she is to indulge to his sexual preferences, she's the one who will want to thin out. But this is absolutely NOT ok, and I think we agree on this. Similarly, a decent man who is into BDSM won't require you to be tied and choked, but he will still get aroused by the thought of it no matter what. And he could slip into the "bad habit" of getting this thrill online. Should you give the whip a chance to lure him out of porn consumption? I don't think so.
HE is the one who needs to understand the limits of what's right and what's wrong, and what is an innocent fantasy vs what is degrading and not respectful/full blown immoral. He has to understand that with porn consumption he has also to cut out unacceptable practices, even monogamous ones. And no amount of you being available, naked, fit, sexy etc in his bed will give him what porn does, if he is not the first to set boundaries with himself.
So yes, be available and try to be as attractive as possible etc, indulge to what is innocent and doesn't hurt you, AND expect him to be aware of what shouldn't be done and to get over it, and to still stay off screen regardless.
Divorce exists.
And correction, I know NO husbands who expect their wives to be that petite. I misspoke. Degenerate people will continue to struggle regardless of what I write online. I am not interested in writing to or for them.
Porn is so degrading. It is a plague on society. You shouldn't have to put up with that. We as a society but certainly as Christians need to not tolerate it.
I love this article, and deeply disagree. Intimacy is an important dimension of a spiritually close relationship but it is not necessary. Arguably a couple who aren’t sleeping together are like siblings, cousins or bosom friends but they are not mere room-mates. There is a closeness of emotion, acceptance of a duty of care and commitment that are wholly absent from relationships between couples who aren’t married.
I think people need to have a model for healthy sexuality inside marriage. Too many people get their ideas about sex from mainstream media or worse porn. One book that impressed me on the topic of a healthy sex life inside marriage was ‘When Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage’ - Christopher and Rachel McCluskey
"...wear specific clothing (ex: flannels, bootcut jeans, etc.)"
Hah I totally called it -- you like cowboys.
I agree with your moral stance except for the fantasy one, I would caveat with morally pure fantasy- impure fantasy should not be indulged.
How old are you?
Have you ever been chronically ill on heavy medication?
Do you think love ends because sex ends?
Do you think love ends when 2 people get old as dirt?
Interesting and well-thought out topic—I especially liked the concept of owning each other’s sexuality.
Porn is a substitute for a lack of sexual access to women, whether a man is single and lacking access or married.
This is so true. I've been married for 18 years and haven't had sex for 14 of them. When my wife found out she couldn't conceive, she stopped having or even wanting sex. That's led to a lack of intimacy.
How I see sexual morality as a Christian wife and mother is that wives are to be good stewards of their husbands’ sexuality. This requires that they present themselves in an attractive manner pleasing to their husbands. This can include maintaining a healthy weight, hair length and styling, hygiene practices, preferred scents, being available to husbands in the married bed.
Except when a good Christian wife doesn't do any of these things, which mine doesn't.
A husband is encouraged to service his wife sexually, which can include aesthetics, and a wife is encouraged to service her husband sexually, which can consist of aesthetics.
Believe me, I'm willing to please my wife in bed, it's that she doesn't want it at all.
A husband and wife would be roommates otherwise. True!