Marriage Without Sex is Not Marriage

Your spouse is not your roomate.

I recently wrote an article on Male Sexuality, Porn Consumption, and Female Hysteria, which you can read for another few days before it is paywalled by clicking the bold and underlined aforementioned title. My main points were¹:

• We need to be mindful of what we call an addiction. There is a distinction between a user, an abuser, and an addict when it comes to addictive substances.

• An addiction has to be measurably life-ruining. Otherwise, any bad habit is an addiction. If everything is an addiction, then nothing is an addiction. Words have to have meaning when it comes to severe claims of immorality and/or substance dependency.

• Women consume porn as well and are often not chaste or celibate in today’s dating landscape, yet hardly anyone confronts that. Women omit this from the Male Porn Consumption conversation regularly.

• Gen Z and Millennial Men were groomed into porn consumption by porn and tech executives, so if women find themselves marrying that generation, they may have to work on rewiring neural pathways together, especially if the wife is sexually attractive, available, and the husband remains impotent. It is narrow-minded to resort to immediate divorce in that circumstance, given the prevalence of early exposure to high-engagement porn.

• A husband overindulging in porn use in a marriage is not just the responsibility of the husband. It is also the partial responsibility of the wife. Anytime a spouse struggles to overindulge in things that harm themselves and/or their marriage, their spouse is called to be supportive² toward resolution if possible. (Ex: not bringing alcohol home if your spouse is a recovering alcoholic, not bringing cake home if your spouse is cutting weight, etc.)

• Porn is a substitute for a lack of sexual access to women, whether a man is single and lacking access or married. For most of human history, it has been understood that if there were no marriageable women available to men, they would outsource their sexual impulses to prostitutes. You can watch this short documentary on Brothels and America’s Westward expansion HERE to learn more about this. When American Westward expansion occurred, there were no cities or settlements, which meant there were no families with marriageable women available for transient workers to settle down with. American and immigrant prostitutes quickly figured this out and became servicers to working-class Johns while Western American infrastructure was built. Any major city you see out west likely had a brothel at one point in America’s history.

• It is a new societal expectation for men who lack sexual access to be celibate monks. This has not been the case in times past. Keep in mind young, horny, fertile women on birth control are going to college and “finding themselves.” So, obviously, they are making exceptions to this for some men. Let’s not play pretend here. Most wives who marry are not virgin brides (including the TradWives™️), and even if they are, that does not necessarily mean that they had zero sexual dalliances beforehand. I am not one to harangue women into purity as I don’t think it’s been the case for most of human history that women were pure AND virginal. I just ask for some transparency when it comes to the illogical sexual double standards we promote as a gynocentric culture.

• Some husbands are genuinely addicted to pornography regardless of a wife’s efforts to be petite, pleasant, and sexually available. I believe this to be a minority of circumstances. I empathize with women in that circumstance and feel sorry for them, but such is life. Sometimes, we pick people to marry, and they turn out to be terrible, gravely sinful, and unwilling to better themselves. This is why divorce exists and is as old as marriage itself.

• Women are pretending to care about the sexual habits of single men they do not want to date or marry when it comes to porn consumption. I do not understand why any woman would care what these young men are doing if they don’t even notice them in their daily lives. Separately, married women should not care about the sexual habits of single men as their primary concerns for male sexuality in all cases should be being a good steward of their husband’s sexuality and advising their sons on the real dangers of porn use. If you have the free time to care about the sexual habits of single men, you are not gainfully employed enough with your family and home.

Now, let’s talk about morality…

How I see sexual morality as a Christian wife and mother is that wives are to be good stewards of their husbands’ sexuality. This requires that they present themselves in an attractive manner pleasing to their husbands. This can include maintaining a healthy weight, hair length and styling, hygiene practices, preferred scents, being available to husbands in the married bed, maintaining sexual loyalty, and performing preferred actions in the married bed. Wives may miss the mark on some of these practices depending on their season of life, and husbands are to give them grace and lovingly remind them of their shortcomings if their attraction to their wives is being affected by this.

And guess what? Husbands are to do these things for wives as well. According to 1 Corinthians 7, husbands are encouraged to be good stewards of their wives’ sexuality. Wives can prefer their husbands to maintain facial hair or body hair, be muscular, wear specific clothing (ex: flannels, bootcut jeans, etc.), be available to wives in the married bed, maintain sexual loyalty, use preferred scents, and perform certain behaviors in the married bed. Whatever she finds subjectively pleasing in the sexual attraction department is fair game. Wives should strive to inform their husbands gracefully and tactfully if they fail them in attraction in some seasons. For example, letting a husband know she finds a pair of jeans unflattering and prefers he not wear them or letting a husband know they would like him to work out more.

When it comes to the sexual morality of Christian marriage, your body no longer belongs to you—period. A husband is encouraged to service his wife sexually, which can include aesthetics, and a wife is encouraged to service her husband sexually, which can consist of aesthetics. This is a frightening notion to hear initially, but it’s quite freeing once you understand the dynamic.

It is a two-way street.

After I published my initial article on Male Sexuality, a woman responded with a rebuttal essay. I would typically share the link to the rebuttal I am referencing, but upon discovering she identifies as a Radical Feminist (RadFem), I've decided against giving her a platform. Had I known she followed this ideology earlier, I wouldn't have engaged with her. She posed a hypothetical question about whether a husband who deprives his wife sexually should expect her to turn to porn and dildos as substitutes. You can see our exchange in the two screenshots below:

Part 1/2

Part 2/2

I am a bit bullish on the premise of the marital bed because marriage is pointless without it. A husband and wife would be roommates otherwise. The married bed is what separates marriage from solely being a legal status. The married bed also implies sexual exclusivity between the two parties involved. This is why it is so offensive when a man or woman is unfaithful in a marriage. Marriage is a compromise of the sinful mating strategies of men and women to be made noble through service to God.

In exchange for a woman’s sexual agency, a man vows to provide for her and protect her for a lifetime. A woman vows to be sexually loyal to him alone and risk her life to bear his children when she agrees to be his wife. The husband also promises to be sexually faithful to his wife in this age-old human contract between the sexes. If he were to violate this, his resources and protection would be at risk for his wife and their offspring should he abandon them for another woman or impregnate another woman; therefore, his sexual agency must be promised.

If women marry men they are not attracted to, they will not fork over their sexual agency willingly or happily. Many women find themselves in this position when they cannot secure a mate while they are at their most beautiful and least jaded. The average age of first marriage for American women is 28.6 today, mind you. You can see how a woman might run into less impressive men as her looks and zest for life fade while continuing to date in her late twenties and thirties. Perhaps the best men she will ever be offered commitment from have passed her by.

Additionally, it is vital that a woman marries the best sex of her life, and this can only happen in two ways: she saves herself for marriage, or she secures a long-term relationship with a man who was her best lay. If a woman cannot achieve this, they often become petulant, degrading, and belittling toward their husbands--if they even bother selecting one. I find this behavior immoral, but women will do it regardless of what morality I argue on this matter.

Every unhappy wife is a rape victim when asked to have sex with a husband she is not attracted to, and most wives in that dynamic flat-out won’t. I realize this sounds dramatic, but it is traumatizing for women to have sex with men they aren’t attracted to. I can’t explain it, but in today’s day and age, women find it demoralizing beyond comprehension. I believe this is because we all know we don’t have to have sex with our husbands out of obligation in reality anymore.

For context, the family courts will back us if we leave the marriage; we can take half his earnings and retain custody of the children. No social or legal obligations exist to incentivize women to fulfill our ends of the marital bargain. When a woman is confronted with the very idea of having to have sex with a husband she is not attracted to, it is massively disturbing to her. We all know there are wives who are excited to have sex with their husbands, and being reminded that kind of wife is not you, as a woman, is painful. Romantic love is critical in modern marriages and is extraordinarily difficult to achieve. Being conditioned to have sex for survival when you know that’s not the context in modernity is near impossible for women today, and it might provoke a woman’s hindbrain into a war-bride sentiment³.

Sex for survival? Ick. Who wants that?

I DON’T! And I don’t think women should settle for that either because they will divorce in most cases if that is her marital dynamic.

While I am accused of believing and promoting that women owe their husbands sexual access, that does not mean I do not think this of men as well. It simply is that the primary complaint of the general (miserable) married population is that wives are not sleeping with their husbands enough while husbands continue to provide for them. The frustration from both parties is understandable, and I do not fault women for not being attracted to their husbands, depending on the context. Broke, overweight, or underperforming husbands are… unsexy. There’s no working around that.

But to a Christian wife who is attracted to her husband, 1 Corinthians 7 is EMPOWERING. Yes, you may solicit your husband for sex when he doesn’t feel like it. He may not honor you, but you can ask to get yours, and if you get good enough in how you ask for that need to be met, he will often oblige you! This is what is frequently missing from the obligatory marital sex discussion.

Marital sex can be a true blessing! If you’re reading this as a newlywed wife with a lackluster sex life while being attracted to your husband, you have time to work on that. You’re not doomed to a bad sex life. Like most things in life, the married bed is a skill. Possibilities are endless, and joys can abound, but you will typically only reach those feats if you and your husband apply yourselves to the craft. (And I would encourage you to do so!) Learning one another’s bodies can take decades, and I hope you don’t feel discouraged in this endeavor. There are sex-positive Christian wives you can follow who would love to support your desire for marital sexual fulfillment. I will link two HERE and HERE for you readers.

I am sex-positive, but I am only sex-positive regarding sex within a marriage. There is no other context of sex I morally support. So, while women only hear “you owe your husband sex,” they misunderstand when they assume I do not think men owe these same romances to their wives.

Reflecting on the screenshots above with my conversation with the RadFem, I want to say that a husband who does not oblige his wife’s sexual desires is morally reprehensible. If she is asking, and asking, and asking, and he’s refusing more often than not—he’s wrong. He is also incorrect if he is committed to being unattractive to her. She would be wrong for outsourcing her sexuality due to this, but understandably, she might. Many women often do outsource their sexuality outside of physicality, given that our sexuality is more psychologically complex than men’s. It is not uncommon for married women who are sexually unfulfilled or have reverse polarity marriages to seek sexual attention elsewhere without doing the physical act. This is still immoral, but it is understandable.

As for sexual alternatives, we would do well to reflect that our culture depicts marital sex as the standard neutral-polarity missionary session we catch glimpses of in mainstream media. This neglects there is a vast spectrum of sexual expression available to husbands and wives. Whether you are disabled, ill, elderly, or not in the mood, there are still ways to achieve sexual fulfillment. This will require creativity, and I am not going to get into that in this blog post because it’s already dodgy to discuss sex so openly. My point is: where there is a will, there is a way.

To illustrate, if a wife is on pelvic rest, there are other ways her husband can fulfill her, and he should. There are also alternative ways she can satisfy her husband, and she should. Even Stephen Hawking was able to have sex, so much so, he had an affair with his nurse and married her… I refuse to believe people with dead or stale bedrooms are earnestly trying to meet the sexual needs of their spouses given this information.

(This is Stephen Hawking and his second wife, Elaine Mason, who was his mistress with his first wife. They eventually divorced. For context, it’s important to remember that while paralyzed, Stephen Hawking still had the ability to get an erection and was a well-known ladies’ man.)

Given that miserable wives are seldom attracted to their husbands and they are the pervasive cultural voice railing against female sexual obligation, I’m rarely able to get to the sex-positive part of the conversation surrounding the spiritual possession of one another’s bodies between married spouses. Miserable women have expectations of men (provisioning, protection, house, car, food, insurance, clothes, vacations, entertainment, etc.); but if a man has ANY expectations of a woman (especially in the bedroom), he’s a shallow, self-centered, objectifying, patriarchal, misogynistic, jerk. Most unhappily married wives want a plowhorse, money-dispensing machine, to whom they owe no obligations (especially in the bedroom). They are not the sort of wives to remind, “Oh, by the way, your husband owes it to you to have fabulous sex with you!” They’re not exactly married to men they’re pining over…

Separately, I believe because we have been fed so much Marxist propaganda in recent years, people do not like to hold the idea that they “own” another living person. If someone belongs to you, you possess them to some degree. My husband and my children are mine. I would not say that I own my husband or children outright, but they belong to me, and I am to be a good steward of them.

Owning your husband or wife spiritually, including sexually, is not an inherently bad thing. We often hear songs of a lover boldly proclaiming, “My man” or “My woman.” In a married Christian context, ideally, you would lovingly possess each other’s sexuality. However, I do believe it is best to hold the perspective of being a steward of one another’s sexuality because while your spouse may belong to you, you cannot force them to execute your will. Actual ownership would imply you could, which is dishonest to claim in married relationships where each spouse has free will.

I rarely argue my morality on sexuality because it can influence how readers intend to address societal ills based on my worldview, which they may or may not hold. However, it was repeatedly demanded of me through digital slander in recent weeks, so there you have it⁴. I am not sure why this matters so much to detractors when I cover the phenomenon of human sexuality. I do not think they will seek to understand me. I fully believe they will continue to misunderstand me purposely. Still, I will save this post for future reference when moral arguments on sexuality come up and I am asked to take a clear stance.

This is my clear moral stance:

• Spouses should work to maintain attraction to one another.

• Spouses should be sexually available to one another.

• Spouses should surrender authority over their bodies to one another.

• Spouses should entertain each other's monogamous sexual fantasies.

• Men should protect and provide for a marriageable woman who earnestly promises lifelong sexual agency to him while at her most beautiful and least jaded.

• Spouses should care about the sexual pleasure of one another.

• Spouses should be faithful.

• Spouses should love selflessly and forgive often.

• Wives should submit to their husbands and husbands should die of self.

• Women should be chaste when single, as should men.

• Female sexual immorality is just as damning as male sexual immorality.

1. I refined some points in this new article. Sorry, I can’t address every single counterpoint that comes up in real-time.

2. I am not saying to be an enabler, because I know how some ladies are going to imply I am suggesting that. If that’s you, please stop visiting my blog, thanks.

3. This is a very theoretical notion. However, I do think when women are asked to have sex out of fear of survival in an unfearful reality, it produces cognitive dissonance and rebellion.

4. I do not understand the point of taking a moral stance outside of appealing to feminine morality. While I have these moral beliefs, most of the population does not and will not act in accordance with my morality.