Why You're Attracting Porn-Addicted Men

They are avoidable.

Many young women today have disordered loves, which leads them to attract or choose disordered men. Their instincts are lacking for many reasons: parents having a reverse-polarity marriage, social media influence, fatherlessness, and Godlessness. When your instincts are bad, you choose bad men. It’s that simple. You have to be able to hear your body speak to you about male attraction to know if a man is a good match or not. People can say women’s instincts are terrible and they need a man’s supervision. However, almost all of the bright and intelligent women I know who went on to marry men who would die for them and provide for them and their children had proper functioning feedback loops between their brains and bodies. They found their husbands irresistible. Almost none could wait until their wedding night for intimacy, although all went on to marry that man and are still married to date. Proper masculine sexuality is nearly impossible to resist, which is why so many religions advocate for women to be supervised around these men.

Most of the commentary I have made up until this point on porn consumption was really about porn use in the context of marriage, and I came at it from a specific angle of grace because when a couple divorces over porn consumption, a broken home occurs and children’s lives are ruined. Those decisions are permanent and life-altering and should never be taken lightly. The reality is the situation is 100% avoidable, but it is going to get harder and harder to dodge as technology continues to pervade our lives exponentially.

I will discuss two men, one with whom I experienced proper polarity and one with whom I did not. For privacy reasons, we’ll call the one I did not Man B and the one I did Man A.

In my early twenties, I was completely out of touch with my body for many of the reasons mentioned above. My faith in God was weak. I had no idea I was fat in the seasons where I was. I’d spent most of my life traumatically harmed by trusted figures. I had to pick myself up by my bootstraps. Over half of my life was spent living in survival mode. When I chose Man B in that season, all I wanted was a dependable, predictable guy, and I had no interest in polarity or knowledge of it. I had been abandoned so many times before that all I wanted was a friend. I didn’t want a lover or a soulmate. I just wanted a nice guy to spend time with and be buddies with. And he was—he was very nice. He is a good person for whom I still have massive respect, but I never loved him. I never lusted for him, either.

This is how out of touch with my body and mind I was. I had a Marxist view of men. I did not understand they existed in competency hierarchies. I naively thought a food service working man with a bit of pudge is just as good a guy as a muscular, professionally successful man. This could be because I was rarely exposed to masculine men. There are more details I could go into there, but this is already a vulnerable piece.

To illustrate, I didn’t meet successful, admirable, attractive, wholesome men until I joined the military because I worked in the medical sector when I served. When I say admirable and attractive, wholesome men, I do not mean to suggest they were all single. The military was the first time I ever met masculine men, towering in height, professionally successful (MDs, DOs, PAs), competent, sharp, and married to petite, beautiful wives with whom they had multiple children. I was never attracted to those married men because I had too much respect for them; I viewed them more as proxy father figures because I never had one.

While I never wanted or craved them carnally or maritally, I wanted a man like them for myself. Something was exciting about the idea of being that sort of wife. I would get to be pretty and stay home (their wives were mostly SAHMs), and I could be married to a doctor, and he would be handy and fix things. I wondered what it would be like to be their wives. It must have felt good. None of them looked miserable in photos. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but the cover was bangin’, alright. I loved seeing these men's family photos of their wives and children on their desks. I mean, sometimes the guys would even bring in home-cooked packed lunches! The men seemed so well cared for. I never saw that example of polarity before in my life. Ladies, this is why it is so important to care for your husband; people can glean wisdom and joy from it.

Eventually, I realized that Man B would never do for me what those men I saw did for their wives. I knew he was never going to be that for me. He had the potential to, but he wasn’t interested. He was the free-loving, low-pressure, hippie type. He had no interest in masculinity, polarity, etc. I suspect this was because he was a Millennial and, therefore, never had a comprehensive understanding of polarity. Keep in mind, I never wanted him to be a wealthy, high-status medical provider—I just wanted him to act like a man. I wanted him to work hard so we could have babies, I wanted him to fix things in the house, I wanted him to ditch the pudge, but that wasn’t him at the time. That could be him now. I have no idea, but it would have never worked regardless because if you choose a man when you’re masculine as a woman, you’re sort of shit outta luck on the whole. You can work and work and work at the relationship, but if the premise of the relationship is not attraction and adoration, it will likely never be otherwise.

You’re probably wondering how porn fits into this. Out of respect for this person, I will not go into further detail on that except to suggest that I was available, I was hot, and he did not accept my advances. To be fair, my personality was not attractive, and I did have a pixie cut at the point where I was extraordinarily fit. I was 132 lbs and 20% bodyfat, and I was muscular but not manly. I looked great, but still, he didn’t approach me, and I’m not even sure I would have responded to the solicitation.

For added context, I wasn’t acting like a woman myself. I had no idea it was acceptable or allowed to care about my physical appearance, to want to be a SAHW or SAHM, to enjoy a masculine man. I only knew how to be a devouring mother, although I hated it. I don’t even think I had an original thought for myself until I was 23. I took my childhood and wore it like a skinsuit. I didn’t even know who I was until around that age, and naturally, I found out I was the kind of woman who did not want to be in a relationship with that kind of man. I didn't want to be a man's mother. Over time, the less he did, the more I picked up his slack, and eventually, I was doing it all. I didn’t want to.

I only wanted to be pretty, cook, clean, and have babies! One day, it became apparent to me that I was not attracted to this person and that would not be my life. So, I left. I didn’t feel safe being a woman with a stable life under his stewardship, so I took my youth, beauty, and eggs with me.

Then Man A wooed me.

And he wooed me in ways I never knew I could be. I had functioning ovaries, but I can tell you for the majority of my life, they were not being activated, if you know what I mean. I had no idea a man could make me feel like a young, dumb teenager who was foolish, hot, and heavy at my age by then. I was in my mid-twenties around that time. I thought love and lust like that was for teenagers. I never imagined it could be something I experienced in adulthood.

He opened doors for me—which I had to learn to let happen. It was a shock for me to see him opening doors to businesses and cars for me. I wasn’t used to letting men do things for me. Initially, for dates, I offered to pay a tip or half to show that I cared for him, and I didn’t see him as someone to feed me free food, but that didn’t last long. Once he saw I wasn’t taking financial advantage of him, he took me to more lavish dinners and dates and footed the entire bill. The less I asked for, the more he gave me. I could spend hours talking to him, and he never ran out of things to teach me. We would work out together for hours; he cared about his health, and I did too.

Man B would not go to the gym with me, no matter how much I begged, and half the time I wanted him to come with me, it was to spot me so I could get better. He wasn’t invested in me. Even if you’re not the athletic type, it’s still a kind thing to help the woman you are in a relationship with to get better and better at lifting because she’s too uncomfortable to ask the HOT AND BUFF GUYS AT THE GYM TO HELP HER WITH HER WEIGHTS. And again, I can’t say I blame him entirely. I would not say I was a feminine and inspiring woman then.

But Man A was different. He was meticulous. He always prepared for himself and always prepared for me down to minute details. For example, he charged battery packs in abundance for me because my phone is rarely charged like many women. He looked healthy. He cherished me. But he also looked at me hungrily, as if I was a fresh steak on a grill, and I loved that about him. I wanted to be his steak.

(Real pic of me and Man A.)

I can’t go into more details with Man A because he’s my husband.

But, I wanted to explain to women that who you are at the time you begin a relationship with a man and what the premise of your relationship is founded on often sets the tone for the entire relationship. If the foundation is reverse polarity, you’ll never experience romance in that relationship. (At least in my opinion, women will argue otherwise.) You must have functional instincts to have a positive feedback loop to hear your body when it tells you, “PICK HIM, PICK HIM, PICK HIM, HE’S HOT! DO IT NOW BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DOES.” Fortunately, I was beginning my self-awareness journey and could hear what my body told me about Man A. If not for that, I wouldn’t have chosen him, and I don’t even want to think about who I might have ended up with if not for him. I experience disgust at the mere thought of that.

I will not suggest that my relationship is perfect or that we have not had struggles. Too often, people romanticize marriage and neglect the harsh realities of life where you will not treat each other the best. For example, death in family or friends and severe illness are something to expect in a marriage, and people are not always on their best behavior under those stressors. However, no matter the challenges, I wouldn’t want to have anyone else by my side to weather them with. Even when it’s hard, I’m happy it’s hard with him. Of course, I have experienced heights of joy unfathomable because of him and his influence on my life; I simply wanted to be clear that I am not aiming to portray this fantastical relationship as an influence to single women in my audience to hold as an ideal because they tend to be too romantic about marriage and wind up divorcing for foolish things if they marry.

There is one thing I can say for certain about my marriage: I am spiritually tethered to him. I committed to him at an age when I was still impressionable and could be impressed by a man. He formed my mind and much of my worldview and has taught me the most valuable life lessons. Something like that could not have occurred had I not selected for him at my most beautiful and least jaded. I would not call him my soulmate because that word is too loosely tossed around nowadays for situationships. What I have is something much more profound. God is the author of my life, and my husband is the architect of my life, and he has built a wonderful life for me.

If you’re attracting men with a sincere porn problem, it’s not an accident. There are things you believe that are wrong about men, women, and polarity. Some common misconceptions I see are: he has to be beautiful, he has to make a ton of money, he has to be a virgin, and the list goes on and on. If you look below, we have a picture of what our culture deems a “masculine man” via Google. Most of these pictures induce nausea in me. Maybe one or two look masculine.

To address how disordered some of those points are, let’s unpack them:

• Men do not have to be beautiful. This is a psyop. Men should look like men because they are to be success objects, not sex objects. Women bring beauty to the relationship, not men. Desiring a man to look healthy is the ideal, but desiring him to be a pretty boy buff guy is honestly pretty gay. Stay away from men who are overly vain with their physique. I am not saying to go for a pudgy guy. Let me be clear: if you want a muscular guy, go for the modest one. He doesn’t go to the gym to looksmaxx; rather, he goes because he wants to achieve physical greatness, and by proxy, he looks phenomenal. He doesn’t go to the gym for women to ogle at him because they would distract him from his sets, and desiring to be ogled is a feminine desire. Given the current climate between sexes, a man on a mission of physical greatness would avoid most women in the gym. He wouldn’t want to get falsley accused of sexual harassment and have to find a new gym. That would be inconvenient…

  As a Puerto Rican, I can tell you my culture is full of pretty boys who get their eyebrows done and focus on their skincare, and again—this is gay behavior. I would even be weary of men who have a feminine skincare routine. There are plenty of guys with phenomenal skin who achieve that just by using this:

  

• You do not need a man to make a lot of money. If you are a feminine woman, you are not looking for wealth but rather a lifestyle. Primarily, the sentiment I see is that feminine women want to be cared for by a man they admire and be home with babies. You don’t need a six-figure income necessarily to accomplish this. You’re morseo looking for a man who could make that lifestyle happen. That lifestyle is easy to achieve in the Midwest on 60K or more. That’s not a rich man. I also know some men with young SAHM wives who don’t come from means, so instead, they buy starter homes and build their wives the home of their dreams. Which is attractive if you think about it. He is building her the home of her dreams precisely to her liking. Wealth is not the primary driver. He’s showing a dependable and masculine skillset and giving her the lifestyle she asked for.

  • Some guys are not this way, and that’s okay; they tend to go the route of making a lot of money to pay skilled workers to accomplish these tasks. This does not mean men who can make a substantial living are not intelligent enough to have the capacity for these skills in the future. Too often, women think, “Well, if he doesn’t show me he can build things, then how do I know he’s capable?” Listen, if he can figure out how to make a very healthy six-figures, he can figure out how to build stuff. He just doesn’t want to.

• If you’re a young Christian woman saving yourself for marriage and desiring to marry a man who is a virgin, your convictions make sense; however, the older you get, the more unlikely it is you will find that. Young Christian Women need to understand that they are not looking for a virgin man. They are looking for an attractive, masculine man who has positive control over his sexuality and battles the flesh out of reverence for the Lord. This is not most virgin Christian men. Most virgin Christian men don’t have women looking at them, and because of this, it’s pretty easy to save themselves for marriage. There is a massive distinction here.

Today, women are disordered in their loves and blind to their instincts. I do not think it was an accident that I ended up with Man A at a time when I wasn’t on social media that often. I had ambition, youth, and fertility to offer, and I was beginning to know who I was. I was beginning to understand that wanting to be a pretty SAHM was okay. I was starting to realize that everything I knew about men was wrong. When I did attract a man who neglected my advances for screens, I was a masculine, devouring mother.

Once I figured out the kind of woman I was, I no longer had that issue. I believe women have more influence than they realize when it comes to avoiding selecting men who have a porn-consumption problem, but we are naive on how to sniff or sort them out. If you’re not married to that guy, you owe him nothing. Let me be clear. You don’t owe him patience or understanding, but you need to ask yourself, why am I attracting this man? This is where I feel bad for women who don’t understand that a virile, charming man is an okay thing to desire. Those are the guys who do not struggle with porn most of the time.

Okay, he’s had experiences and dalliances with women, so what?

I know almost no devout Christian wives, or SAHWs for that matter, who married virginal men. Their lives are great. People will beat you over the head to try to moralize you against these men, and it doesn’t make sense.

Do you really want the guy who was a virgin until 30? Do you know what they’re like? They’re not what you imagine if that’s your dream.

I’m not saying to date an active player, but I am saying it’s not the end of the world if a man has carnal experience with women. Women who are trying to tell you these guys are sexual deviants while canoodling with them themselves are liars and likely performing intrasexual competition against you.

Don’t be an idiot. The truth of the matter is that women are powerless against a virile masculine man, and more likely than not, if you’re alone with that guy, you’re going to magically find yourself naked. It doesn’t make you a bad woman. It makes you a woman whose ovaries work, so try not to share social circles with bad men who only want to use you, okay?

You can avoid tying yourself down to the dead weight of a genuinely porn-addicted man, but you have to address your disordered instincts first.