Fantastic essay. I also think HHM thinks about finances. Like the woman doesn’t want to rise to the occasion of the challenge of breastfeeding, a lot of men don’t want to rise to the occasion of being the sole provider. In a way both modern men and women suffer from the same vices: lack of willingness to do hard things
This is just hard to conceive of. What a joy it is to provide for a grateful woman, who putters around the house doing silly things I don't understand and making everything beautiful. These men are as broken as many of the women now are. Lord please bring revival!
Just finished reading and I really appreciate how you laid out your beliefs and the reasons underpinning them. I too was a formula-fed + daycare kid ( I was BF for 3 months) and I often reflect on the relationship I had with my own mother and how her decisions more-or-less negatively affected it. I too hope to make similar changes to my future and family and strive to be a 1st-gen. homemaker. Blessings to you and yours Aly :)
I think the focus on “sexual access” as a reason men get married is wrong. Maybe it’s the experience of living in LA, having a good job but being socially awkward and knowing that the simplest path to “sexual access” was the many, many women who’d just say “show me the money”.
Men get married out of religious belief, custom, love, tradition, desire for a mother to their children, etc. All things the left exists to destroy. It is hard to imagine why liberal men would bother with marriage in the future.
I suspect that “right-wing” men who hate homemakers also hate pretty much all women.
Most people are not gifted with celibacy. Men do get married for sexual access otherwise, there would be no point to a marriage. They don’t want to hang out with us to be our girlfriends or even our “friends.”
“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Pro 31:8-12)
I too am a boy and girl Mother and have always kept this quote by Carolyn McHaney that I paraphrased on my mirror: “I am here for my family-for my husband, and each of my children. I am eager to listen to them, available to help them, and happy to be right where I am at home.” I am thankful and grateful for Paul’s teaching in Titus to older and younger women.
I remember watching that scene in 'As Good As It Gets' wherein the writer protagonist describes writing women thusly: "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." Young me was confused by this. I was sincerely raised to believe that women were equally accountable and logical as men, in general.
I am disappointed to say that I no longer think that. Some will say my views have been warped by the manosphere or misogyny but I love and respect women and most are decent and intelligent. But they really do NOT like accountability. I suspect this is related to their felt social fragility. For them the blame and disapproval and judgment of the social group might feel far more threatening than it does for men.
"There is almost no problem that a young man cannot find himself in which isn’t understood in terms of his own decisions and tendencies in male spaces. There is almost no problem that a young women cannot find herself in which is not understood as a failure of others. If you’re in an abusive relationship then your decisions and tendencies are not explored as contributing factors. If you’re having trouble finding romantic success then men are the problem (or ‘society’, which usually means ‘men’). You just have to find ‘the right one’ - not improve yourself or change your goals or your approach. If you’re struggling with career or leadership then you’re not being supported or respected or assisted in the right way, and the focus pivots on how to make other people conform to your wishes and values. This isn’t an exaggeration. It’s almost impossible (in my experience) to find a advice session for women purely focused on what she could or should change. Such sessions always involve a great deal of ‘cheerleading’ (as they say in the therapy world) and support and uplifting and validation."
I agree with your characterization of modern women. I'd never considered the HHM (homemakers are fetishized on the right - I'm not sure if they're sincerely cherished/respected).
I think (which is the idea I explore in my essay above) that the growing split between men and women and the increasing confusion and fragmentation of the family is leading to a lot of pathology and resentment and frustration. This shows up differently for men and women, generally, but these feelings are being experienced by both... at ever-increasing rates.
“Conservatives…openly or subtly denigrating homemakers without missing a beat?”
“Right Wing men who denigrate homemakers?”
Someone will say I’m going No True Scotsman here, but no, if you don’t GREATLY value stay-at-home Moms, especially in your own household, you’re not a conservative, for domestic beauty, sanity is part of the definition
I enjoyed your post, and your analysis of the differences between the homemaker and the working mother. But you were speaking of a breed of animal I have never encountered: right wing men hating on home making mothers. I’ve never even heard of one, let alone encountered one.
I’m a right wing man with many right wing men for friends. Every single one of us would prefer to have our wives be homemakers. My wife did that for 17 years.
In today’s expensive world, it’s difficult to do, and usually it requires the both of you to be willing to live a poor lifestyle. To go without. You keep wearing old clothes rather than buying new ones. You don’t take expensive vacations, the gifts are small, Family outings are fast food more often than restaurants. A lot of men and women today aren’t willing to shrink their lifestyle, to live “less“ for the sake of their children. But we did it for 17 years. Then I helped my wife get a masters degree and return to work because life with inflation had simply become too expensive.
I grew up in a divorced household with a working mom. I know what I lost by her not being present. But I know she would’ve preferred to be present if my father had not left. It makes no sense at all to crap on either the homemaker, or the working mom. Many working moms would love to stay home if that was a choice. And the ones who put their career above their family, yes they are selfish. I have encountered their type.
To conclude, I know many right wing guys who are quick to crap on working mothers who choose to work and not be at home with their own children. I will have to keep my ears peeled to see if I can ever hear one crapping on traditional mothers. I will add that I always advocate for these gentlemen to find a traditional wife so they don’t get stuck with what you described, a promiscuous working wife.
But, it is the case (in my opinion) that most mothers would rather work. There’s been too much change in societal structuring for me not to conclude that, aside from my interactions with normie moms.
The feminist influence certainly pushes women to choose work over staying at home. Because women are vulnerable to popular opinions and peer pressure. And the feminist peer pressure is to tell women that they are less, or stupid, or unambitious and unrealized if they stay at home with their children. It’s tough for men to tell their wives they are enough when they stay at home. Because of the messaging, they still have doubts in their head that being a homemaker is enough.
But men should know better than that. I watched all the labor my wife did at home for our boys. Sure, they’re autistic so she had to do even more, but she was a teacher, counselor, nurse, entertainer, cook, maid, etc. she did so much at home than that when I returned home from work exhausted, she would say “I need a break.“ And I would often be the one making dinner and bathing the boys.
I was a breastfed kid with a stay at home mom (although she did send me to public school, which docks some points off). She was vastly imperfect, had a big temper, and she and my father divorced when I was a pre teen - but we have a great relationship, and so do all my siblings. Having that foundation of dedicated motherhood, however imperfectly, was definitely a strengthening bond to our family.
Oh, and worth adding on is that I am now a stay at home mom who breastfeeds, doesn't do daycare, and plans to homeschool. I can absolutely cite my childhood as a huge influence on my family values.
Fantastic essay. I also think HHM thinks about finances. Like the woman doesn’t want to rise to the occasion of the challenge of breastfeeding, a lot of men don’t want to rise to the occasion of being the sole provider. In a way both modern men and women suffer from the same vices: lack of willingness to do hard things
This is just hard to conceive of. What a joy it is to provide for a grateful woman, who putters around the house doing silly things I don't understand and making everything beautiful. These men are as broken as many of the women now are. Lord please bring revival!
Just finished reading and I really appreciate how you laid out your beliefs and the reasons underpinning them. I too was a formula-fed + daycare kid ( I was BF for 3 months) and I often reflect on the relationship I had with my own mother and how her decisions more-or-less negatively affected it. I too hope to make similar changes to my future and family and strive to be a 1st-gen. homemaker. Blessings to you and yours Aly :)
I think the focus on “sexual access” as a reason men get married is wrong. Maybe it’s the experience of living in LA, having a good job but being socially awkward and knowing that the simplest path to “sexual access” was the many, many women who’d just say “show me the money”.
Men get married out of religious belief, custom, love, tradition, desire for a mother to their children, etc. All things the left exists to destroy. It is hard to imagine why liberal men would bother with marriage in the future.
I suspect that “right-wing” men who hate homemakers also hate pretty much all women.
Most people are not gifted with celibacy. Men do get married for sexual access otherwise, there would be no point to a marriage. They don’t want to hang out with us to be our girlfriends or even our “friends.”
That’s why we *pursue women*, not why we *get married*. In some societies the two may be closely related, but we don’t live in one of them.
“Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Pro 31:8-12)
I too am a boy and girl Mother and have always kept this quote by Carolyn McHaney that I paraphrased on my mirror: “I am here for my family-for my husband, and each of my children. I am eager to listen to them, available to help them, and happy to be right where I am at home.” I am thankful and grateful for Paul’s teaching in Titus to older and younger women.
I remember watching that scene in 'As Good As It Gets' wherein the writer protagonist describes writing women thusly: "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." Young me was confused by this. I was sincerely raised to believe that women were equally accountable and logical as men, in general.
I am disappointed to say that I no longer think that. Some will say my views have been warped by the manosphere or misogyny but I love and respect women and most are decent and intelligent. But they really do NOT like accountability. I suspect this is related to their felt social fragility. For them the blame and disapproval and judgment of the social group might feel far more threatening than it does for men.
"There is almost no problem that a young man cannot find himself in which isn’t understood in terms of his own decisions and tendencies in male spaces. There is almost no problem that a young women cannot find herself in which is not understood as a failure of others. If you’re in an abusive relationship then your decisions and tendencies are not explored as contributing factors. If you’re having trouble finding romantic success then men are the problem (or ‘society’, which usually means ‘men’). You just have to find ‘the right one’ - not improve yourself or change your goals or your approach. If you’re struggling with career or leadership then you’re not being supported or respected or assisted in the right way, and the focus pivots on how to make other people conform to your wishes and values. This isn’t an exaggeration. It’s almost impossible (in my experience) to find a advice session for women purely focused on what she could or should change. Such sessions always involve a great deal of ‘cheerleading’ (as they say in the therapy world) and support and uplifting and validation."
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/the-great-divergence
I agree with your characterization of modern women. I'd never considered the HHM (homemakers are fetishized on the right - I'm not sure if they're sincerely cherished/respected).
I think (which is the idea I explore in my essay above) that the growing split between men and women and the increasing confusion and fragmentation of the family is leading to a lot of pathology and resentment and frustration. This shows up differently for men and women, generally, but these feelings are being experienced by both... at ever-increasing rates.
“Conservatives…openly or subtly denigrating homemakers without missing a beat?”
“Right Wing men who denigrate homemakers?”
Someone will say I’m going No True Scotsman here, but no, if you don’t GREATLY value stay-at-home Moms, especially in your own household, you’re not a conservative, for domestic beauty, sanity is part of the definition
This is a damn good rebuke for the intellectual grifters defending the indefensible. 👌
Wow beautifully written!!!
I enjoyed your post, and your analysis of the differences between the homemaker and the working mother. But you were speaking of a breed of animal I have never encountered: right wing men hating on home making mothers. I’ve never even heard of one, let alone encountered one.
I’m a right wing man with many right wing men for friends. Every single one of us would prefer to have our wives be homemakers. My wife did that for 17 years.
In today’s expensive world, it’s difficult to do, and usually it requires the both of you to be willing to live a poor lifestyle. To go without. You keep wearing old clothes rather than buying new ones. You don’t take expensive vacations, the gifts are small, Family outings are fast food more often than restaurants. A lot of men and women today aren’t willing to shrink their lifestyle, to live “less“ for the sake of their children. But we did it for 17 years. Then I helped my wife get a masters degree and return to work because life with inflation had simply become too expensive.
I grew up in a divorced household with a working mom. I know what I lost by her not being present. But I know she would’ve preferred to be present if my father had not left. It makes no sense at all to crap on either the homemaker, or the working mom. Many working moms would love to stay home if that was a choice. And the ones who put their career above their family, yes they are selfish. I have encountered their type.
To conclude, I know many right wing guys who are quick to crap on working mothers who choose to work and not be at home with their own children. I will have to keep my ears peeled to see if I can ever hear one crapping on traditional mothers. I will add that I always advocate for these gentlemen to find a traditional wife so they don’t get stuck with what you described, a promiscuous working wife.
I wouldn’t say HHM are prevalent on the Right.
But, it is the case (in my opinion) that most mothers would rather work. There’s been too much change in societal structuring for me not to conclude that, aside from my interactions with normie moms.
Thanks for reading.
The feminist influence certainly pushes women to choose work over staying at home. Because women are vulnerable to popular opinions and peer pressure. And the feminist peer pressure is to tell women that they are less, or stupid, or unambitious and unrealized if they stay at home with their children. It’s tough for men to tell their wives they are enough when they stay at home. Because of the messaging, they still have doubts in their head that being a homemaker is enough.
But men should know better than that. I watched all the labor my wife did at home for our boys. Sure, they’re autistic so she had to do even more, but she was a teacher, counselor, nurse, entertainer, cook, maid, etc. she did so much at home than that when I returned home from work exhausted, she would say “I need a break.“ And I would often be the one making dinner and bathing the boys.
I was a breastfed kid with a stay at home mom (although she did send me to public school, which docks some points off). She was vastly imperfect, had a big temper, and she and my father divorced when I was a pre teen - but we have a great relationship, and so do all my siblings. Having that foundation of dedicated motherhood, however imperfectly, was definitely a strengthening bond to our family.
Oh, and worth adding on is that I am now a stay at home mom who breastfeeds, doesn't do daycare, and plans to homeschool. I can absolutely cite my childhood as a huge influence on my family values.