The Homemaker Hating Man

Why Modern Men Hate Homemakers

It’s often said that the family is the bedrock of civilization. Yet I have watched Conservatives themselves praise the family in theory while openly or subtly denigrating homemakers without missing a beat.

Modern men and women hate homemakers because a joyful homemaker provokes insecurities in their respective genders for a multitude of reasons. The more interesting of these two resentful archetypes is the Homemaker Hating Man (HHM). We will mostly talk about the HHM, although women’s resentment toward homemakers is more straightforward.

Women think homemaking is lowly work, and they will have a reduction in social status among their female peer group if they become a homemaker. For many women, the social status associated with career achievement outweighs the cultural prestige attached to homemaking.

For the Homemaker Hating Man (HHM), his hate stems from several negative relationships with women in his family of origin, the woman he chose to reproduce with, and his respective daughter(s) who will likely go on to repeat toxic feminine cycles because these men facilitate the poisoning of the next generation of women by not maintaining frame and headship. By frame¹, I mean emotional steadiness, leadership, and the ability to maintain boundaries without becoming reactive.

The modern HHM likely grew up with a working mother, and if there’s anything we can discern about modern women, it is that many modern women have been incentivized toward individualism, careerism, and self-prioritization in ways that weaken family bonds. I would provide data on this, but I don’t like to humor people who cannot entertain the possibility of trends occurring counter to their worldviews. If you need sources to explain how the modern woman is problematic when she is the most privileged, promiscuous, and coddled of all time, you’re not the sort of person I want to have this conversation with because you are significantly detached from reality. I will give you a few statistics on how women are doing without commentary on how men are doing because it’s important to be able to assess Western Women as a single cohort:

• Women hold most W-2 jobs in the United States

• 1/3 of Gen Z was aborted

• 1/5 of women of childbearing age in the US have a sexually transmitted infection or disease

I am showing these specific trends to explain that the modern woman works a considerable number of hours, and we are worse for wear when it comes to our decision-making skills regarding our sexuality in the context of economic independence. I did not link any sources to encourage you to do your own research, since people hear and believe whatever positions confirm what they already believe.

To illustrate, any woman who goes from feminist to no longer feminist was initially curious about the cracks in the feminist movement to begin with. She did not get to the latter position because she was given sources, but rather she got there because she was already open to refuting feminism when she sought alternative data and perspectives.

Women as a cohort appear increasingly dissatisfied despite unprecedented autonomy and opportunity. Alongside this, men have had working mothers for at least two generations now. When I say “working mother,” I mean to say that they have had mothers working out of the home. Women have always worked. Being a housewife has often been something reserved for the elite throughout human history. Before the Industrial Revolution, both men and women worked at home, although a man from time to time would work outside the home depending on the industry he pursued.

The modern working mom is nothing like what she used to be. She spends 40 hours working outside of the home. She takes short leaves when she has babies. She often racks up an absurd amount of student loan debt. She turns her small babies over to daycare. She climbs a corporate ladder or stagnates, and does this until she retires. She will also be an unavailable grandmother because she built a life that necessitates her working in old age. She cannot take time off to visit her grandchildren on a whim. She often needs to put in a request for paid-time-off with her employer.

This is what the modern working mother became. She neglects her family, her home, and her son. Therefore, when a son gets older and becomes a Homemaker Hating Man (HHM), he is deeply offended by the prospect that such a woman exists: a woman who feels fulfilled in her marriage and children and would want nothing more than to snuggle her son when he is a baby and support his wildest dreams when he is a boy and a man. It offends the HHM because it is the likely case that even if his mother were offered the practical opportunity to stay home to invest more in her interpersonal relationships with her children, she would reject the offer. She would rather be away from her children than near them. A boy picks up on that, and if embittered by it, when he becomes an adult, he thinks if your average woman is going to be that self-absorbed, whatever woman he marries had better work to pay some bills too. She doesn’t deserve a free ride on his back, and he still wants sexual access to an adult woman. So, he settles on accepting a working wife and desires for her to maintain a steady flow of income. If he has a daughter with a working wife, the cycle goes on to repeat itself, and nothing improves intergenerationally. But, this was the price of sexual access he was willing to pay. He accepted perpetuating the very cycle that embittered him.

At the end of the day, what these men wanted was a mother who gave a shit about them. That is a heartache for many adults today, not just men. Many sons grow up feeling like accessories to their mother’s ambitions when she has made every single decision in her young adulthood to maximize her time away from him (ex: formula feeding, daycare, public school, etc.).

I’m theorizing a lot here, but this is mostly what I believe regarding Right Wing men who denigrate homemakers. Their working mothers and wives would rather leave them than stay home and they accept that this is how women are today. They probably long for a warmer, more supportive woman in their life, but they know the statistical likelihood of coming across one is slim to none and it’s foolish for a man to dream about the near impossible. He ought to accept reality for what it is.

I know many adults who resent their mothers not being homemakers. I am one such adult. I have female friends who share this sentiment as well as male family friends. This is why the joyful homemaker archetype feels almost mythic to your average person. It is a fantasy to have a wife and mother feel so convicted in her roles that she looks every day to do something a little bit better to strengthen the bonds between her and her family members.

I’ve also heard it said that homemaking is unskilled labor, and I find that interpretation to be subjective. Depending on the woman, it very well could be considered unskilled labor. However, there is nothing unskilled about it if a woman applies herself. It is a skill to know your husband’s preferred flavor palette. It is a skill to know how to properly reward and discipline a child according to their temperament and interests. It is a skill to encourage your husband in a manner that strengthens him to bless others out of the home. It is a skill to know what specific foods make your child feel physically ill or cause them to behave strangely.

You could pay another woman to do this work for your family, but all that teaches family members is, “We don’t go to Mom for the important stuff. We only go to her for the easy things we think she can handle.” If you never challenge a woman, she can never rise to an occasion. If a man is hobbling his wife from performing, he can only blame himself for enabling her entitlement when it captures the family entirely. Breastfeeding is one such occasion a woman can rise to if she pursues the challenge with gumption.

Women nursed their babies for 400,000+ years prior to the invention of formula. It’s something we knew how to do innately, and now, it is something that is so psychologically taxing or confusing for women that they simply cannot or will not do it. A dog knows how to feed its pups from its own body, but the modern woman struggles with this. Surely an adult human is more intelligent than an adult dog, so why do adult women struggle significantly with this biological task?

I am not saying that all women should breastfeed their children for two or more years. I am saying, you ought to know how to do this biological process. If you cannot, at the bare minimum, figure out how to effectively feed a child from your body, you have an incredibly shaky foundation for motherhood, and we all know if formula did not exist, women would try to figure out nursing a bit more. They are incentivized by the existence and access to formula² to put in less effort toward breastfeeding.

I was a formula-fed, daycare kid. You are really fooling yourself if you think I have a stellar relationship with my mother despite this. I do not. However, she set her life up in such a way that we will likely never have a rewarding friendship. I cannot go back in time to have her consider the significance of keeping a marriage, being home more, being less selfish, etc. It’s over. I’m a middle-aged adult. The older people get, the more set in their ways they are. She is not going to turn a corner in her Golden Years. She is who she will always be at this point in her life, and I have to navigate keeping a marriage, family, and home despite this, which often feels like going in blind. All I can do is work toward moving the goalpost for my own family. We will see if I can get the job done.

Back to the HHM, let’s talk about their wives because we’ve already discussed their mothers. When I extrapolate patterns I’ve seen in this, I am specifically referencing Right-Wing men³ who have concluded that the average woman is indoctrinated, likes promiscuity in undergrad, student loan debt, working, and having babies eventually. Essentially, if these men have hope of having sexual access to one, they must reconcile this, and many choose to do so. I rarely socialize with Liberal Men. This is the context of my next observations.

These men know the women they marry will never prioritize marriage in any context that does not serve them first and foremost. They know she would rather work than be closer to the children she bears with him. Instead of getting so resentful of this that he compromises his sexual access to a woman in the long-term, he begins to adopt or affirm the idea that homemaking is lowly work for women.

A man’s gotta get laid, right? And his wife is too egotistical for him to say, “Actually, all women are called to be homemakers and our lives would probably be better if you were one too, but you don’t have the emotional maturity to take that path without burning us all to the ground, so keep your job!”

All men lose frame to women in some way, shape, or form. They crave our validation too intensely, which is unfortunate. I can count on one hand the amount of times a man has held frame with me. I can’t recall the specifics of these exchanges, but I can remember what they made me think and made me feel. I remember thinking, “He’s not budging. I don’t want to be rude. I had better not be rude. End this interaction politely and neutrally and never talk about it again.”

I can tell you these interactions were not isolated to my husband. I’ve had some exchanges with men I was not married to, where the general impression those men gave off was that my feelings were my own problem, and they weren’t going to entertain me. From what I can recall, I lost my composure in some way, and the male involved was deeply unbothered by this. In a way, they did me a kindness by presenting me an opportunity to save face if I could “pick up” on what was going down.

Whatever the specifics of these exchanges were, nonetheless, they were good for me. It was good for me to feel stunned and humbled by a man holding his ground, and leaving me speechless and forced into solving my own problem.

There are a good many husbands who cannot and will not hold frame with their wives. That is the biggest reason why you will see a Right-Wing man acquiescing to his wife. In a way, he lacks grit. He seeks comfort like all humans and is willing to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means f***ing up his own kids by allowing his wife to do what his mother did to him. This is not good for a man, his wife, or his children.

These men hate homemakers because it’s easier to denigrate them than to reflect on the fact that their mothers, wives, and daughters are deeply selfish people who only see them as a resource as valuable as the output he can offer them. I can’t blame these men for taking this pivot to cope with the weight and depravity of the situation. The thought of it genuinely grieves me as a boy mom.

I have the positions and beliefs I do partially because I am a boy mom⁴. I do not want my son to grow up and live a life where he thinks I only ever loved myself more than him. That is a sullen thing for a man to carry, but it is also dangerous. What danger to the world is a testosterone-fueled man who does not even have a mother’s love in his possession? In a way, he is a man with nothing to lose. This is why I do not condone modern female empowerment narratives either. I don’t want to enable a culture that would seek to subdue him to his wife.

I don’t buy the nonsensical divorce narratives modern women spew either. Conservative Christian women who are still feminist at heart are in for a world of hurt when they lose access to their grandchildren because their daughter-in-law thought she was so superior to their son that she felt she could remove him entirely from the lives of his own children.

This mind virus will not capture me. I can’t afford to think the way most women do. I am a boy mom, and to be a good mother to him, I cannot believe foolish ideas about men and women.

There is still a real possibility that my son could eventually pedestalize women and reap disastrous consequences from it. There’s only so much I can do on an individual level. You raise your kids. You warn your kids. You set them free and leave the rest to God. There is a point where my efforts end, and God’s providence reigns.

(The summer vacation I wish I was on.)

1. I can’t explain the concept of frame well. Rian Stone and Archwinger do this better.

2. Formula companies are not your friends. They just want a dependent consumer.

3. This is a container word for Conservative and/or Red Pill Men.

4. If you’re a feminist trying to have an a-ha moment here and say I am a “toxic boy mom,” I am also a girl mom. That is to say, I am proudly and boldly the toxic mom in your eyes.