For the Undateable Young Single Christian Woman

Flirtation is not a sin (or maybe it is). | Fempill #7

By now, you’ve figured out that I am a Christian who loves talking about dating and mating in modern culture. It is no secret the church has a problem forming families today, which is an attractive feature of the church itself. As much as Christians want newcomers to show up for God and God alone, it has been long understood that religion is a tool for mating strategy as much as it is a tool for spiritual enlightenment.

Here are the current statistics for marriage and childbearing in the US today:

• Age of first marriage for women is 28.6.

• Age of first marriage for men is 30.5.

• Age of first child for women is 27.5.

• 53% of adults get married, and about half will divorce for all marriages¹.

You can cross-reference these figures and verify them yourself. I see no need to provide sources because this is a global phenomenon that is not isolated to the United States. If you don’t know that, you aren’t paying attention. If a phenomenon occurs globally, I don’t see the point in posting source after source on the matter. Also, given AI and the ability to conduct meta-analyses at the push of a button, I find people demanding sources to be lazy or inept at this point. Find it yourself. I’m not your college professor to hold your hand.

The point is that people aren’t marrying or having kids, and of the women who are having children, many are going to do so out of wedlock, which is an unprecedented phenomenon.

So what is a single Christian woman to do in this dating hellscape? Our religious leaders struggle to reconcile the growing distance between the age of sexual maturity and economic maturity for reproduction. We can have children in our late teens. However, nearly no adults in their late teens or early twenties have the financial means to be comfortable reproducing. Many people don’t feel comfortable having children until their early 30s for economic reasons. There is a gap of 12 years between sexual and economic fertility that Christians either cannot or will not address. We can address the problematic logic behind that gap in the context of chastity and a fertile window for women, but that’s old news in the perpetual Total Fertility Crisis debate.

As a young single woman, you have to conclude that life is full of risk, and your fertile window will sharply decline at 35. It’s not as simple as saving yourself for marriage until 30 (who is really doing that?) and quickly spawning children in the nick of time. Young singles should wed and have children in their twenties and accept that they will struggle financially for a decade or so. They should focus on cultivating the grit to weather economic instability until their mid-thirties. Generally, men don’t hit their financial stride until their late 40s or early 50s. Think about it: how many wealthy men are there in their twenties?

Obviously, the twenty-somethings don’t understand this nor are capable of being convinced of it, so let’s move on.

“Economists nickname them HENRYs, for “high earners, not rich yet.” But for most people, their “peak earning years” are from age 35 to 54. The majority of people who make six figures will do so in their 30s.

Keep in mind that annual income says nothing about someone’s financial health.”
-Kelly Boyer Sagert, What Is a Six Figure Salary?

There is a line of demarcation for women under 30 and over 30 who are in the dating marketplace. At 27, you should have already concluded you need to compromise on your standards for a mate because you can’t get what you’re asking for. If you could, you would have that guy, at least, as your boyfriend by then. At 30, you should be dating based on three core values². Too many people are dating based on preferences and not values, and preferences will not make a relationship or marriage work.

Of course, the female exceptions to the rule will chime in, “But I married my husband at 30 and had 1.94 kids!” To those women, my only litmus test for you is: Did you marry the best sex of your life because you and I both know you probably didn’t save yourself for marriage? Congratulations if you did. It’s a bit embarrassing if you didn’t, isn’t it? I will end the conversation there.

Younger women deserve better and should not be lied to by older women, especially young, single Christian women under the stewardship of older Christian women. I can’t tell you how to make a relationship work comprehensively as a newlywed myself, but I can tell most women how to get a man.

If you cannot get the guy you want, you can do one or both of these two things:

• increase your value in the dating marketplace

• lower your standards (this is not bad)

That’s not a romantic sentiment, but forsake the fantastical romance for a moment, if you will. I know what you ladies are doing out there. I went to high school with women, served in the military alongside them, and was in undergrad with young single women. A lot of you young ladies today are rightfully horny and exploring your options, but that’s not proving to be effective for most women, is it?

Now, to my undateable single Christian women under 30, there is some terrible advice I see given to you ladies that I want to challenge:

• Married women stating that if you focus on God and stop idolizing marriage, you will get a husband

• There is nearly no mention of sex appeal given to young single Christian women curious about dating

  • Christian single women should avoid sexually tempting Christian men

  • Modesty is the ideal

• Men value virginity

• Men should make the first move

I’ll tell you why these sentiments are nonsense point by point:

Married women stating if you focus on God and stop idolizing marriage, you will get a husband.

Every single married Christian woman I have heard say this cannot articulate to you what they did to get a husband. Most wives can’t. They are oblivious to their mating tactics. In my experience, it has nearly always been the case that these same married Christian women were actively dating³, young, beautiful, petite, charming, flirty, and conversational when they got wifed up⁴. They never mention that, though.

In the instances where a woman was not particularly a looker, she was feminine and attractive through acts of service and kindness, meaning she had some or a lot of weight on her but had reasonable standards in men and went the route of capturing a man’s heart through his stomach and emotions. Watch what your recently engaged girlfriends did for their fiancé, not what they say. There, you will see the behaviors that got them husbands.

For the record, desiring marriage is not idolatrous. Typically, when women say something like that, they are overintellectualizing theology. It is the most normal thing in the world for a single Christian woman to desire marriage and motherhood.

If you are willing to sin grievously to get married, okay, we can see that’s idolatrous behavior. But most of you single Christian women are getting gaslit by other nonsensical Christian women on a NORMAL AND HEALTHY DESIRE. Aside from that, if you read your Bible, you will understand that most women will be sanctified through marriage and motherhood. I do not think God wants most single Christians to remain single. It is more a sign of the times that so many adult Christians are single today, not necessarily God’s desire.

There is nearly no mention of sex appeal given to young, single Christian women curious about dating.

Is it wrong to be sexy to get the attention of a man? That is something Christian women have to reconcile. I don’t have a concrete answer for you. If you reflect, there is no dating in the Bible. At best, there is possible coverage of courtship. However, the words dating and courtship are never mentioned in the Bible. It seems more that single people just got married during Biblical times, although they did cheat and/or divorce and remarry afterward sometimes.

Honestly, I see a lot of modest, virginal Christian women get turned down for dating these days, outside of those who attend a fundamentalist church. From what I have observed, the virginal Christian women who get married don’t wear paper sacks. There is an issue with being a single woman and looking more matronly than sensual. It’s not helpful. If you are desiring a man, it’s likely other women have noticed him and you are competing with them, even if you do not see them. No single man wants to look at your visual appearance and think, “She looks… matronly.” What they want to see at first glance typically is, “Wow, she is stunning.” Making yourself look beautiful in a paper sack with undone hair and no makeup is hard unless you hit the genetic lottery. Common sense here, ladies. Stop overthinking the modesty situation. There is a lot of flexibility to be had with modesty in the United States.

Christian single women should avoid sexually tempting Christian men and modesty is the ideal.

Here’s the deal: Flirting is not inherently sinful, in my opinion, and it’s something more young, devout Christian women should do—otherwise, how is a man supposed to know you like him?

Do you think your Christian girlfriends who are engaged do not occasionally (or frequently) have lustful flirtations or have thoughts of having sex with their future husbands? And that’s if they haven’t broken down and had premarital sex in the first place and just aren’t saying anything about it! I’m not saying to assume they have tangoed. I am saying that flirtation is a normal phenomenon of human dating and mating, and avoiding this normal developmental behavior is a detriment more than a help to young single Christian women. If you experience lust for a man you are not married to, repentance is available to you.

If you are one of two Christians betrothed to one another, it seems the natural course that you could pray through temptation together. If you cannot successfully avoid premarital sex, you could repent for it or get married quicker. The courthouse is always an option! You CAN get married before your actual wedding day. No one has to know, and even if you let them know, it’s still not a big deal over the grand course of life. If you’re married, you become one flesh. Who cares if you get married a few months before your formal wedding because you can’t stop touching each other?! That’s no one’s business but yours and God’s. Did you and your soon-to-be-husband mutually agree to speed things up? Okay, great, his opinion is the only one that matters.

God would rather you get married in a courthouse than have premarital sex. That’s just a fact. Go ahead and challenge me on it HR ladies, I dare you.

Separately, we need to be mindful that some men are tempted by the most unattractive, poorly dressed, or underage women out there in public. If you are planning to avoid tempting any and all men, including creeps, I want you to know that is not possible unless you plan on dressing like an Amish Mennonite. Mennonite attire is NOT attractive attire for single women to wear.

Which of the two photos below depicts a woman as both sexy and modest?

Men value virginity.

I hate this sentiment the most because I see a lot of virginal single women get passed up while hos get wifed up regularly. It has to be infuriating for single, virginal women to see this and continue to be told men value this on the whole. It is false.

Devout Christian men value this. They are not most men, nor are they most Christian men. The hotter and more sexual a woman is, the more men notice her. I am not saying this to advise young, virginal, single Christian women to have premarital sex. Do not mistake my words here. I am saying it is a rare man who will sincerely care for that, and if you find him, do everything in your power to marry that guy because he’s a good one.

It’s almost a negative today for a woman to be a virgin in the dating hellscape because sex is a commodity now. If not for the rampant porn content available to men today, which drives the cost of sexual access to women to zero, sex has certainly been commodified due to hormonal birth control that women are taking full advantage of, as you can see given the rates of abortion skyrocketing astronomically since the emergence of hormonal contraception. A young, mateworthy guy has likely bedded a few women by the time you get around to him as a virginal woman (unless he is a devout Christian). If he doesn’t want to earn access to you or finds the effort annoying, he will drop you for a woman who would give it up easier. This is just the reality.

YOU, AS A YOUNG, VIRGIN CHRISTIAN WOMAN, SHOULD NEVER FEEL BAD FOR SAVING YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE. NEVER EVER. IT IS THE WORLD THAT IS SO FAR CORRUPTED THAT YOU WOULD FEEL DIRTY FOR DOING A NOBLE AND GOOD THING.

Lastly, the men who value virginity tend to marry women while they are young as well. I want to say before their mid-twenties. It’s tough to save yourself for marriage, which is why many young, devout Christians go the young marriage route. (The keyword here is “devout.”)

Men should make the first move.

This sentiment is A LIE!

If being a modest wallflower was working for these young, single Christian women, they wouldn’t be asking married Christian women how to get married because they would be getting the attention of the men they desire. Duh.

This advice is the most conniving thing I see older Christian women share with younger single Christian women. For a man to pursue you, he has to notice you, which means you have to be attractive as a single on some level.

Additionally, you can’t know if you are attracted to a man without smelling him, kissing him, being near him, hearing his voice, or seeing him in the real world and some guys are a bit slow to approach now, given we have MeTooed them to death. Be mindful, a kiss is a very aggressive way to express interest, so I wouldn’t do that unless you’re that girl⁵. Most of you are not that girl, which is fine—being a blunt woman isn’t always ideal because you could kiss the wrong guy, which would be massively embarrassing.

But, with the overthinking women perform when you tell them men should make the first move, for some reason, they conclude, “If I like him, I should not say hello to him; he should say hello to me first.”

THAT’S A STUPID IDEA.

No happily married woman who said the first hello, initiated the first kiss, or asked for his phone number regrets she made the first move…

If you get rejected, you regroup, recover, and try again with another guy. It’s a numbers game. At some point, if you’re competitive, a guy will accept your advances. I understand women don’t like this idea, but fear of rejection can keep you single. I got over fear of rejection of cold-approaching men in high school when I danced with a tall, handsome, jock at my junior prom. For context, I can’t dance. I don't know what pitiful robot-like shimmy movements I made, but I promise it wasn’t dancing. When Monday came, he and his friends made fun of me in front of almost 30 other students. I was mortified and did not attend my senior prom after that.

Following that experience, I never hesitated to approach men I found attractive. It couldn’t possibly get worse than what happened with the jock, so I became fearless. The fallout was never as catastrophic afterward, so it seemed like a cakewalk. I failed cold-approaching men a few times. It happens, but I nailed it flawlessly the last time I needed to. Women will hear me express this and say it looks “desperate” to perform these behaviors. I never saw it that way. At worst, it was goofy; at best, it was a smashing success, and I enjoyed winning.

I hope this inspires you ladies to be more assertive with your dating practices if you need to. If you’re a young, single Christian woman struggling with dating, there’s a high probability you’re overthinking it. You can tell the girls who get it are getting boyfriends, getting engaged, and getting married. That can be you. Enjoy romance more, have fun with it, and be light and flirty.

Less thinking, more living.

Good luck out there.

1. All marriages v first marriages is a distinction to look into.

2. This is how you should date in your twenties, but no one is doing that, so I’ll save my breath on that.

3. This means they left their house… Your future husband probably isn’t the Amazon delivery guy.

4. A lot of you suck at conversation with men, flat-out. That is the biggest complaint I hear from desirable men regarding modern dating.

5. I’m that girl, idc. I am in it to win it.