Dating in a Low-Trust Society

Finding love in the metaphorical ghetto.

A note from Aly: I realize some of this advice is secular. Given that I am passionately Christian, there are dating methods I refrain from sharing that are effective because of my worldview. It doesn’t mean they don’t work… There are some things women can do in modern dating that are quite effective in securing a marriage that I can never share because of theological and moral conflict. However, again, it does not negate their efficacy. This is why we are having this guest post.

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By our guest Kristin McTiernan

We live in a low-trust society now. The age where rom-coms even slightly resembled real life is far over, which means our dating expectations need some slight adjustments. No longer can we assume that the smiling man with the thoughtful dating profile wants the same things we do.

Quite the opposite, actually. It is safe to assume the majority of those you meet are looking to take something from you, including on dating apps.

Part of that low-trust society is the fact that the meaning of words have changed to intentionally sow confusion. So, for this article, when I say “Dating,” it means spending time with a man to determine his suitability as a long-term partner.

Unfortunately, the breakdown of our communal, high-trust society means that the number of men suitable for long-term relationship status is reducing among the younger folk. Having walked down the aisle in 2010, I sometimes feel like I got the last chopper out of ‘Nam. But it wasn’t luck. I set about finding my husband of 15 years in a rather methodical fashion, and I remain astonished at how many young women choose so poorly (over and over again, in some cases).

Increasingly, men are opting out of that long-term-worthy status intentionally, joining movements such as MGTOW or the Red Pill.

Now, contrary to what you might think, The Red Pill is not a shirtless pimp screaming into a microphone about how all women are whores and deserve to be mistreated. It isn’t even an ideology at all; it’s a list of practices designed to benefit men. Some men use TRP to improve existing marriages; some use it to seek a string of short-term hookups. Some use it to find a wife. It is an amoral practice of men’s sexual strategy for the benefit of men. That means behaving in a way that helps them get what they want (sex, social status, a wife, etc.) while maintaining the upper hand in their relationship(s).

In essence, it’s a game. And they want to win.

Fair enough. But so do we.

The truth of it is that dating and marriage are a zero-sum game. They always were. The complementary nature of male-female relationships only comes into play once you’ve made your arrangement–when you both have skin in the game.

If you want to succeed in this new landscape, you can’t make choices based on vibes.

This article is designed to give you some firm, practical advice to finding a man who will be “your person” rather than your burden. There is a great deal of dating advice involving red flags, checklists, boundaries, standards, et cetera ad infinitum.

This is not that. This is creating a reasonable proximity of the Red Pill for women: a sex and romance strategy that benefits us. These tips are all things YOU have control over. There are no tips on how to turn a sentient human with agency into your ideal little Ken doll.

No, these are actions for YOU to take, plans for YOU to make. You are the only person you have control over. So that’s what we’re focusing on.

Part of that is realizing that, unlike for men, dating advice for women requires two separate tracks: The children track and the no children track. Do you want children, or don’t you?

If your response is “Maybe,” “someday,” or “If I find the right man,” then that is a yes. Only no means no, and very few women actually say that shit and mean it. I know because I am one, and even I have moments where I wonder if I made a mistake.

Most (nearly all women) are on the children track. That means you’re seeking a man because you want a family with children. And what you want from a man has much higher stakes when children are involved.

If you’re on the no-children track, I may write another article for you in the future, but for now, we’re speaking to the majority.

So come along and sit next to Auntie. We’ll get you sorted out.

Universal Elements

If you’re on the dating market, I’m sure you know or have heard these rules. This is just a refresher, and none of my advice is sullied by considerations for girls just looking to get laid. We’re about relationships here, and these are the bare minimum standards for you:

1. Be attractive. Don’t be unattractive. This rule is true for men and women. Be well groomed. Smell nice. Look nice. Be of a healthy weight (or work on getting there). Be polite and pay attention when he’s talking. Let him open doors, pull out chairs, and take your coat if he initiates. Thank him for all these things. If he picks up the tab on the date, thank him for that too. Even if you don’t want to see him again, this is practice for the next date. Don’t be on your phone. And though I shouldn’t have to say this, DON’T FILM HIM WITHOUT PERMISSION.

2. Accommodate the general preferences of your target dating demographic. “He won’t mind my [X] once he gets to know me” should never be a sentence in that crazy head of yours. Ever. For instance, if you have a septum ring but you are looking for a conservative, God-fearing man to start a homestead with, take it out. If you smoke pot but you’re looking for a gym, bro, that might reduce your dating pool. You know what your preferred type of man likes, so why are you willfully putting yourself on his “no” list? If it’s something you can’t change, be upfront about it. For instance, in my dating profile, I pointed out my (many) tattoos and that I couldn’t have children. Why? Because both those things are an immediate “no!” from many Christian, marriage-minded men. Their preferences are valid, and I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. You shouldn’t either. If you have a kid, say that. And yes, mention if he’s biracial. Maybe you think that shouldn’t matter. But it does, and it’s better to let those men self-select out.

3. Meet in person within one week of connecting. A man who takes a good picture is a green flag, but it’s not the whole story. You won’t know if you have chemistry with someone until you meet them in person. You also won’t know if you like spending time with him unless it’s in person. The world is full of people using AI to create text messages to keep you interested. You’re not looking for a pen pal. You're looking for a life partner. Meet him in person ASAP, even if just for coffee.

4. Have sex with him as soon as you are enthusiastic and comfortable with it. Some people wait for marriage for sex, but they are rare. Yes, even in religious communities. If you know on the first date you wanna smash, then do it. If you feel better about waiting til date 3, then do that. But don’t be arbitrary about it. Why wait for the sake of waiting? Are you afraid he’ll think you’re a ho if you smash on the first date? If so, do you want to be with a man who will explicitly ask you for something, but then be mad at you when you say yes? I damn sure don’t. It is a risk, to be clear. When we have sex, we do release bonding hormones; men don’t. They can have enthusiastic sex with someone they aren’t attracted to and don’t like. And feel nothing when they’re done. We’re not built like that. So if you’re DTF on date 1, but you’re not sure he’s super into you… maybe wait on it. Pay attention to how you feel about him and the signals he’s putting off to you. And make a decision based on that.

5. Stop watching the Sprinkle-Sprinkle lady on TikTok. If you want a “provider man” who pays (exorbitantly) for your every whim while you contribute nothing but sex, there is a word for that, and it’s not wife. No man is required to take you to a Michelin-star restaurant the first time he meets you, nor should you allow him to buy you gifts the first time he meets you. If you think that’s standard dating behavior, the website you need to be on is called Seeking Arrangements. Stop wasting a good man’s time while you play at being a prostitute.

6. Be safe. When you go out on a date, especially if you are meeting at the man’s house, tell a friend or family member where you’re going. Include the address and the time. Also, plan to check in after the date (or at a certain time). Men are dangerous when they want to be. And even smart girls can’t always tell a dangerous man based on a few days of texting. So tell people where you’re going. Keep your cell phone nearby. If you get a bad vibe, leave—even if it hurts his feelings. Do not be the girl who submits to danger because you don’t want to be mean. “Well, he said he’s neurodivergent…” DGAF. He is not relationship material if he can’t get through a date without setting off your danger signals. Get out of there immediately.

These tips are designed to get you the first date. Once you are on the date, it is time to start vetting him for suitability according to your track. We’ll start with those on the children track, since that’s most of you.

Dating for Family Leaders

Selecting a man for his suitability as a father comes naturally to us; we are hardwired at a cellular level to do this. We want strong genes to pass onto our children. We want a strong man to physically protect us and our children. We also want a good-earning man to provide for us and our children.

Even if you’re not religious, most women want men to take charge. We want a man to make decisions (which is why we get pissy when they try to make us plan the dates). We want the man to have a vision. This means your criteria is different than a woman just looking for a boyfriend. You are looking for a family leader. He will lead you; he will lead your children. And one way or another, this man will always be in your life. Even if you divorce him, he will still be your child’s father. You ain’t getting rid of him. So pick right.

As a note, I am operating off the premise that divorce is bad. It’s bad for children. It’s bad for men. It’s bad for women. It’s bad for society.

It’s WORSE than being an intentional single mother, btw. So, if you want to be a mother (but not a wife), you might want to skip looking for a husband entirely.

My sister in Christ, you can buy sperm on the internet right now. And if you don’t think men are valuable or that fathers are important, then you should. I’m not joking. If you want a baby but don’t want the child’s father around, then spend a few years maximizing your earnings and benefits at your job, make sure you have a community of women around you for support and childcare, and then buy yourself some genetically suitable sperm.

Better that than finding a man you barely tolerate, stripping him of sperm and money, and then traumatizing your child with a divorce and nasty custody hearing. Just. Buy. Sperm.

Dating is for finding a man to be your husband/partner and the father of your children. For that, this is the bare minimum you need to ask yourself. And yes, these questions are in order of importance.

1. Are you sexually attracted to him? This is NOT a secondary issue. Especially if you’re religious, you’ve probably been told that his handsomeness doesn’t matter as much as his godliness, and your own sexual desires are sin. Though love for a person can grow over time (fraternal AND romantic love), sexual attraction is strongest at the beginning of a relationship. If you’re talking yourself into having sex with him early on, what will it be like after you get married? After you have a baby? After you have the second baby? Do you find yourself silently bargaining with yourself while you sleep with him? “Well, it’ll only be like this until we get our family started. He’ll understand that kids come first.” Ma’am, you are committing fraud.

Ignore any man who tells you that you should marry him because he’s nice, or godly, or a good provider, and that attraction is irrelevant. These are the words of ugly, antisocial men who are trying to shame pretty women into laying down and bearing their substandard children. Sexual attraction is the key to relationship longevity. And not just because you’re keeping him satisfied. It’s also because a lot of little annoyances roll right off your back if he gives you the butterflies. Your desire for him makes you the best version of yourself when you are with him. That means you’re the best wife you can be, the best mother you can be, all because he still makes you giggle and blush.

The difference between a male friend and a boyfriend or husband is that you are obligated to have sex with him. And yes, I use the word obligated intentionally. Being a wife is a job description, as is being a husband. And having sex is a big part of that job. Do not submit yourself to a man who does not inflame your loins just because he checks all the other boxes. This is the barrier to entry, the box he must check.

Because if you don’t want to jump this guy’s bones in the early days, you won’t want to nail him later on. How long do you think a man will suffer being told that you won’t sleep with him, and also he’s not allowed to sleep with anyone else? And how long do you want to live with a man who puts up with such disrespect? The divorce is inevitable, and that is traumatic for kids. Save your family. Pick a guy you want to fuck you on the dining room table.

2. Does your family like him? This is important if you like your family and wish to remain close with them. If you come from a toxic family and fantasize about going “no-contact,” that’s a different issue. But if you like your parents, and your parents hate the guy you brought home, dump him. If he’s from another culture that is incongruous with yours, don’t even go on a first date. He might seem exotic and cultured while you’re dating, but when he brings in some elephant-headed “god” into your baby’s room, it will look a little different. Don’t do it. Choose someone from the same or similar traditions.

But Kristin, what about love? I can’t help if I fall in love with someone incompatible with my family and culture!

Girl, this is your first date. You’re not in love; stop being dramatic. Attraction may, in some cases, be instant; love never is. So only seek love from those who won’t alienate the ones you love already.

My husband is black, and a lot of times, people ask if my Boomer parents had a problem with that. No, but his religion was a bit of an issue.

“Is he a good Catholic boy?” my dad asked, when I told him about Eric.

“No Dad, he’s Protestant. AME.”

Boy, did that silence go on for a long time. But after talking to Eric, Dad found that his theology wasn’t terribly different from his own. Or mine. And him being raised in Amish country and being a military veteran meant that our values were a match too. Marrying a Protestant wasn’t a dealbreaker for my parents, which is why we proceeded with the wedding. When you start dating, you have a choice in who you pursue romantically. Choose your pool of acceptable candidates, and select exclusively from there.

3. Does he accept your roles and responsibilities as a wife? If you have not thought through what your role as a wife should include, sit down and formulate at least a rough draft. Will you work outside the home? Will you maintain the family budget and spending? Will you be solely responsible for the house's interior cleanliness? Perhaps you will home-school the children? Understanding your desired role and responsibilities upfront is clarifying. Because anything about your life that you, as wife and mother, are not responsible for, your husband IS responsible for. He needs to be on board with your responsibilities, because that will mean he is also on board with his duties. In dating discourse, we’ve reduced this assessment to the vague question of “what do you bring to the table?”

This is masculine framing, and you are right to reject it. Women don’t bring anything to the table. That’s the man’s job. The woman makes sure that the table is prepared for what the husband brings and that he is kept healthy and clear-headed in order to bring home the biggest kill, in a manner of speaking. Men provide, Women arrange. That is the order of things. You can try ice skating uphill if you want, or you can select a man who works with you instead of against you.

4. Do your leisure activities align? This doesn’t mean you have to like the same things. My husband doesn’t read for leisure at all. He doesn’t write. It’s not a problem. But if you like hiking, playing pickleball, or doing some other outdoor, communal activity… but he wants to play video games, that might be a problem. If you resent or look down on his friends or his hobbies, that’s a red flag. Just like you wouldn’t want your man to be embarrassed by how you look, you don’t want to be embarrassed that your man plays Skyrim or collects Warhammer stuff. Make sure your lifestyles align; this is not a shallow or a minor concern. Two years is the longest time people can pretend to be okay with something they’re not. Do not shoot yourself in the foot by deciding your man will give up that thing he loves once you get married and/or have a baby. Don’t be that girl.

It might seem like a lot, and it is. Thinking in the long term is always more challenging than just thinking about the here and now. But you don’t have to figure everything out right away. Honestly, you can’t. What you can do is consider the following:

Am I attracted to him? Do I like him? Can I trust him to take care of me?

If the answer to those three (big) questions is yes, you have a strong foundation for partner/father material.

(I felt this photo was fitting for the article because Lalaland was the most disastrous secular low-trust romance film I have ever seen, and I’m still mad about it, haha. -Aly)